Dark Smile Puns & Ironic Jokes for Your Digital Breakdown

Cheeky Grins & Questionable Quips

• I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place….” I asked, “Are you single?” She replied, “No, I am a dentist.” 🦷📋
• My wife explained, “You need to do more chores around the house.” I moaned, “Can we change the subject?” She smiled and said… “Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.” 🙄📋
• Possible repost but… Why does a bride smile at her wedding? Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob. 👰‍♀️📋
• I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box. 📦📋
• My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them! 👮‍♀️📋
• I went to McDonald’s today. I smiled at the bloke and said “Can I have a small shake please?” He told me to “Fuck off” and walked out of the men’s toilets. 🚽📋
• I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Nice legs.” The girl giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so.” I said “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.” 👯‍♀️📋
• After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile. My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I’d “stretch the material” and that I should “buy my own”. 👙📋
• I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!” He replied, “Of course! Take the afternoon off.” When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, “Well, how’d it go? Is it a boy or a girl?” I shrugged, “I don’t know…” “I’ll tell you in nine months!” 🤰📋
• I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile. Turns out they were cold sores. 🦠📋
• With a sexy smile, she said to me “Kiss me where the sun don’t shine.” …so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway. 🇳🇴📋
• NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.” The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one” 😼📋
• Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live? The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday. Which holiday? Putin asked. The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday 🇺🇦📋
• He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again……back and forth….in and out…….She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end… …her heart was pounding….. her face was flushed….. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!” 🅿️📋
• Two flat tyres… I forgot to zip up my trouser. So a lady told me politely, “Sir, your garage is open”. I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, “Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”. She smiled back and said, “No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres”. 🚗📋
• Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face. She told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” 🥜📋
• A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral. A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot” ⚰️📋
• Boy walks in on his parents going at it… Father turns around, smiles, and winks. Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” says Father. Boy smiles, winks, and says, “I’m doing what you did, Dad!” 👵📋
• What do you call a Roman with a hair between his teeth and a smile on his face? Gladiator ⚔️📋
• A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. “Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?” I was wondering, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” 💰📋
• A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but I was asking if my *test results* are back’. 🍆📋
• A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds. After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, “Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I’m really cold.” The woman responds, “Or we could just pretend to be married for the night.” 🛌📋
• I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I’d been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder. “Are you Steve?” the woman asked with a smile. “You’re fucking gorgeous!” I burst out in delight. “Yes, I am Steve.” “Great,” she replied. “There’s some fat bitch over there looking for you!” 🍻📋
• A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach… Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?” The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!” So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long while. 🏖️📋
• A suicide bomber went to heaven. The Angel at the front desk greeted him. “Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!” “I knew it!” said the bomber. “Bring me the women!” The Angel smiled. “Who mentioned women?” 😇📋
• A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.” A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.” ✍️📋
• A man asked his fiancé, “how many guys have you slept with?”. The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile. “Oh honey. You’re the only man I ever slept with.” She replied. “Really?” “Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night.” 😴📋
• A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?” He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.” 🅿️📋
• An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week”. The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then croaked, “What was that all about?” 🐸📋
• I know a couple for 20 years, and I’ve never seen them smile or laugh at each other. They are …..in a very serious relationship. 😐📋
• A woman is at her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. 💨📋
• How many jokes does it take to make a Mexican smile? Juan. 🇲🇽📋