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Find Your Funny: The Ultimate Collection of Wedding Vows That Make Guests LOL
Injecting humor into your wedding vows is a fantastic way to personalize your ceremony and keep your guests entertained. This curated collection provides a wealth of copy-pasteable funny wedding vows, ensuring your special day is filled with authentic smiles and laughter without the stress of stand-up comedy.
Our Editors’ Top 5 Hilarious Vows
When I say ‘I do,’ I don’t mean the dishes.
I vow to buy a King-sized duvet for our Queen-sized bed so that I can stop fighting you for the covers at 3 AM.
I promise to love you, honor you, and clear your browser history should anything tragic ever happen to you.
I promise to grab you first when the zombie apocalypse starts… unless you’ve already been bitten. Then I’m taking the cat.
I promise to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it.
Everyday Life & Domestic Bliss (with a Twist)
Funny Vows for the Domestic Duo
- I promise to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it, even though we both know it was my manly muscles that opened that thing. 💪
- When I say ‘I do,’ I don’t mean the dishes. 🙄
- I promise that for as long as both of us shall live, I will not use all of the hot water, I will share the blankets, I will keep the supply of toilet paper replenished, and I will do as many dishes as I can, so bless me, God. 🙏
- I promise to take the bins out… occasionally. 🚮😅
- I vow never to steal your covers unless you are hogging them. 🛌💢
- I promise to refill the toilet paper that you very likely will never refill. I mean how hard is it? ( °╭°)
- I promise to love you even when you set the thermostat to ‘Arctic Tundra’ while I am freezing under three blankets. 🥶❤️🩹
- I vow to be the brave hunter who kills the spiders, or at least the one who traps them under a cup and waits for you to get home. 🕷️🦸
- I promise to respect your ‘creative’ way of loading the dishwasher, even though we both know there is a specific grid system that maximizes efficiency. 🧐🧼
- I promise to assemble IKEA furniture with you without threatening divorce, or at least without throwing the Allen wrench across the room. 🔨😵💫
- I vow to buy a King-sized duvet for our Queen-sized bed so that I can stop fighting you for the covers at 3 AM. 👑😴
- I promise to put my dirty clothes into the hamper and to take out the garbage without being told. I will squeeze the toothpaste tube the right way and will even put the toilet seat down when I’m done. I also promise to remember your birthday and our anniversary each year. 🎁🗓️
- I vow to comfort you in times of sadness, support you in the face of challenges, and protect you whenever a spider crawls into the room. I promise to get rid of it quickly so that you don’t end up screaming like you always do when it crawls up your leg. 😱🛡️
- I promise to compliment you every time you get a new haircut. I promise to pretend not to notice when Amazon deliveries arrive more and more frequently at our doorstep. I will love you through anything and everything and promise to find you gorgeous even when you are in granny panties. 💇♀️📦👵
- I promise I will unclog the shower even though only one of us has long hair. 🚿💁♀️
- I promise to always leave the lights on in the bathroom. I promise to mysteriously take three hours to make a simple omelette. 💡🍳🕰️
- I promise to always admire you for the person you are, through good times and bad. I promise to love and cherish you, even when you don’t rinse the dishes before stacking the dishwasher. But most of all, I promise to try and remember to pick up my dirty clothes. 🧺❤️
- I vow to remember your positive qualities even when your sports obsession and Tom Cruise admiration drive me crazy, but this doesn’t mean you can watch his movies in my presence. 🏈🎬🙅♀️
- I promise to relax about things not needing to be done right away, if you promise to put your dirty clothes *in* the washing basket. 🧘♀️👕
- I will love you, honor you, cherish you, and that I’ll let you have the remote every once in a while, and I’ll try to clean up after myself. 📺🧹
- I will love you, honor you, cherish you, and that I’ll try not to nag you about spending too much time with the guys/gals, and I may even make you dinner once in a while. 🍻🍝
- I promise to love you as much as I do our dog. From this day forward, I will lint roll the chairs whenever your parents visit. I will love you in sickness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet visits. I promise to cuddle you as much as I do (pet’s name) and pick up treats for you whenever he gets some too. 🐶❤️🐾
- I promise to take your side when our children inevitably attempt to gang up on us. 👨👩👧👦🤝
- I promise to love you, honor you, cook for, clean up after, surrender your share of the blanket to, live with the flatulence of, relinquish the remote to and with the toilet seat up until death do you part. 💀🤣
- I promise to try to remember to put down the toilet seat and to replace the toilet roll when it finishes. I promise to remember this day with love and roses. 🚽🌹
- I promise to learn how to change a tyre and how to refill the screen wash when it runs out. I will comfort you when your team loses and drink beer with you when they win. 🚗🍻
Digital-Age & Pop Culture Promises
Vows with a Modern, Witty Edge
- The hours you spend playing video games will go unnoticed by me because I will be too busy scrolling through my Instagram feed. 🎮📱
- As soon as the appetizers are brought out, I solemnly swear that I will update all of my social media profiles with the status ‘married.’ 💍🤳
- I vow to love you even as you scan through all those movies without picking one to actually watch. 🎬 indecisive ( °╭°)
- I promise not to force you to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon. ☕🍂
- I, promise to love you, even though you have an unhealthy obsession with Taylor Swift. I promise I will learn to love all of your favorite pop stars, and will not criticize your choice in music from here on out. 🎶🎤
- I promise to post you on my Instagram every Wednesday for Women Crush Wednesday and to block any woman that isn’t you on social media. #WCW 🚫
- I vow not to carry on watching a Netflix series we started together without you. Or at least pretend it’s the first time I’ve watched it when we watch it again. 🤫📺
- I promise to pause the TV when you want to talk the entire way through. ⏸️🗣️
- I promise not to watch the next episode of our show without you, even if the season finale cliffhanger is killing me. 📺🔪
- I promise to stop stealing your phone charger, and if I do, I promise to return it with more than 1% battery left. 🔋🔌
- I promise to love you, honor you, and clear your browser history should anything tragic ever happen to you. 💻🕵️♀️
- I vow to take at least 15 angles of you for your story before we eat dinner, even if the food is getting cold. 📸🍽️
- I promise to remember our passwords so you don’t have to reset them every single time we try to log into the bank. 🔑🏦
- I promise to love you even during Fantasy Football season, provided you don’t check your stats during our anniversary dinner. 🏈🥂
- I vow to protect you from spoilers for every movie you haven’t seen yet, because I know you take three years to get around to watching them. 🚫🍿
- I promise to be your Player 2, even though we both know I’m just going to button-mash and hope I don’t die. 🎮💥
- I vow to love you even when you’re old and still playing Xbox. 👵👴🎮
- I vow to never beat you at beer pong in front of your boys. 🍺🏓
- When you talk during a playoff game, I swear to love, honor, and ignore almost anything you say. 🤫🏀
- My goal for our Honeymoon is to spend no more than two hours a day on Instagram sharing our wedding photos. 🏝️📸 ( °╭°)
- I swear to chuckle at every Star Wars reference you make. 😂🌌
- I promise to love you, and honor you, but not obey because that’s a little creepy.” 💍🤔
- I love you like the musical Cats. Now and forever. 🐱🎭
- I promise to listen to “Hamilton” with you about a million times, but I am not giving away my … shot. 🎤🗽
- I’m going to love you as Kanye loves Kanye for better or worst. 🎤❤️
- Instead of saying ’till death do us part’ try using ‘to infinity and beyond.’ 🚀💫
- In sickness and in health includes streaming binges. 🤒📺
- You are the one I want to binge-watch Netflix with forever. 🛋️🎬
- I promise to always be your Player Two—even when we both know I’m better at Mario Kart. 🏎️🍄
- I vow to never watch the next episode of our favorite show without you… unless you’re out of town. Then all bets are off. 😈📺
- I promise to always pretend to listen when you talk about fantasy football. 🏈🙄
- I vow to love you more than I love popcorn at the movies… and that’s saying something. 🍿❤️
- I promise to always share my blanket during movie nights, even if you hog the remote. Blanket Thief! ( °╭°)
- I swear to never judge you for ugly-crying during Pixar films—because, honestly, I’ll probably be crying too. 😭🎬
- I vow to love you as much as coffee and my Games of Thrones book collection. I promise that I will never coerce you into binge-watching old Gray’s Anatomy episodes and that I will try to understand football so I can cheer with you as you watch the games. ☕📚🏈
- I want to add that I love you more than my Friends t-shirt signed by all the cast members. I also promise to not force you into watching their old episodes unless you feel like it. 👕🛋️
- I will even learn the names of the players of your favorite basketball team and cheer with you when they score a basket and get furious with you when the referee makes a bad call. 🏀😠
- I take you today as my lawful wife, and I promise to love you dearly and fiercely, despite your obsession with BTS and K-Pop music even if you don’t understand a single word in Korean. I promise to watch and like all your TikTok videos but I will not promise to participate in them. 💜🎶💃
- I promise to always be the Cappy to your Mario. 🍄🎩
- I vow to watch reruns of Gilmore Girls and Friends. ☕🛋️
- I promise to always honour your passion for hockey. 🏒🥅
- I will always let you pursue your hobbies, and pretend to enjoy them when you tell me about the latest DnD book or new ‘light up’ dice. 🎲✨
Foodie & Culinary Comedy Vows
Funny Vows for Food Lovers
- I promise to make you a bacon sandwich when you’re hungover. 🥓🍳
- I promise not to drink your drinks, even though I am thirsty and your drink is literally right there. 🥤👀
- I promise to buy you takeout for dinner every night because I love you too much to allow you to fall victim to my cooking. 🥡❤️
- I vow to always let you have the last blueberry pancake. 🥞🫐
- I promise to wash up when you cook dinner. 🧼🍽️
- I promise not to take the first sip of your drink before giving it to you. 🍹🤫
- I promise that I will never ask you to sample anything to see whether it has gone bad. 🤢👃
- I promise to always keep snacks in my bag/car, because I know that you aren’t actually mean, you’re just low on blood sugar. 🍫🍬 (°╭°)
- I vow to order my own french fries instead of saying ‘I’m not hungry’ and then eating all of yours. 🍟🙄
- I promise to eat the pizza crusts you leave behind so that no carb gets left behind. 🍕😋
- I promise to actually make a decision when you ask ‘Where do you want to go for dinner?’ instead of saying ‘I don’t care’ for 45 minutes. 🤷♀️⏰
- I promise to always let you have the last slice of pizza—unless it’s pepperoni, then all bets are off. 🍕🌶️
- I promise to never take the last French fry without asking first. 🍟🥺
- I vow to always split dessert with you (unless it’s cheesecake, then we might have to talk). 🍰🔪
- I swear to always pretend your cooking experiments are delicious—even when they’re not. 😷👩🍳
- I will even make you dinner once in a while. 🍽️✨
- You’re the french fries in my chocolate shake. 🍟🍫
- I love you more than I love Nutella. 🌰❤️
- I promise to make your favorite snacks for the game and eat them with you as well. 🏈🥨
- I also vow to always buy your favourite oat bars when I find them at the supermarket, and to not kiss you after I’ve eaten mint chocolate. 🍫🛒
- I vow to have standards when it comes to pizza. 🍕🧐
Quirky Habits & Personality Vows
Vows for Unique Couples
- This is a lot of pressure, huh, I better not blow this… what’s your name again? 😅 ( °╭°)
- I promise to be your co-pilot, your navigator, and to bring snacks on our road trip through life. 🗺️🚗🥨
- A pair of penguins mate for life, across hundreds of miles of tundra. The female penguin travels to bring food to the male, as he watches the egg over a month of sub-zero temperatures. As your husband, I promise never to ask you to do anything like that. 🐧❤️🥶
- I want your worst—give me your bad hair days, your long commutes, your burnt coffee, lost keys, splashed shoes, annoying coworkers, lost receipts, broken copiers, give me your every day, and I will give you my love to make it alright. 😵💫💖
- Now that we have gotten skinny for this wedding, let’s get real fat together. 👰♀️🤵♂️🍔
- I promise to agree that you really are the best driver on the road and always know exactly where you’re going. 🚗💨 ( °╭°)
- I’m a Libra and you’re Scorpio. Let’s prove astrology wrong ’til death do us part or our lack of compatibility, whichever comes first. ♎♏🤷♀️
- I keep thinking of the beginning of UP… is that a problem? 🎈🐶👴
- I promise to embrace all your weird habits, even when you eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. 🥄🥜🤪
- I vow to somehow get to the end of this thing without ugly crying. I hope I can keep that one! 😭🤞
- As one volcano said to the other, ‘I have a dream I hope will come true that you’ll grow old with me and I’ll grow old with you — I thank the earth, sea — the sky I thank too — I lava you.’ 🌋💖
- I promise that I will set up automatic payments for all of our expenses so that we can stop fighting over it. 💸 peace 🧘
- I vow to believe you when you choose to ignore the red light since you are familiar with a quicker route. 🚦💨
- Does this mean I have to stop referring to you by your last name? 🧐👋
- There’s an old Irish saying that goes, Cramagorrah Rowe Egonhah. Wait a minute. I might have accidentally cursed you. I am so sorry… 🍀😬
- I vow to be your spell checker, and grammar friend and tell you when things need hyphens. I promise to be your partner in exercise, even if I am much faster than you, and most of all, I promise to try things, even though I am sure I will not like them, just because you say, ‘Try this!’ 📚🏃♀️🤢
- I vow to nearly always notice when you’ve had your haircut. 💇♂️✨
- I promise to let you know when you’re making a slight error in fashion judgment. 👗🙅♀️
- I promise to find a tactful way to tell our guests we prefer cash over homeware. 💰🏡🤫
- I promise to laugh at all your jokes, even when I’m the only one. 😂 ( °╭°)
- I will dedicate my life to you, without question. When people ask me why I will quote the great Michael Scott by saying ‘That’s what she said.’ 🤣💍
- Let’s grow old disgracefully together. 👵👴🥂
- I vow to protect you from all the ills of the world, even if a scientist invented a way to clone dinosaurs and the dinosaurs escaped from his zoo and then they came after us — I would protect you as well as I could manage from said dinosaurs. That is how much I love you. 🦖🛡️❤️
- I love you, by the old gods and the new. 🙏⚔️
- I vow to get a professional even though I really want to try to do it myself first. 🛠️🤷♂️
- From this day forward I promise to be worth it. Worth the time. Worth the trip. Worth the energy. Worth the embarrassment. Worth your love. I promise that you will always count. You will always come first, and of course, if you don’t for whatever reason, I will buy you some shoes. 💖👠
- I vow to split the difference on the thermostat. 🌡️🤝
- I promise to get up and get the remote from across the room, even if it was not I who placed the remote so very far away. 🛋️📺🙄
- I promise that you will be as important to me as coffee, as chocolate, and as all the episodes of Grey’s put together. ☕🍫🩺
- I promise to love you until the end of my days. As long as you stay out of my baseball plays. ⚾️❤️
- Until death do we part… or until you become a Cubs fan. 💀🐻
- I triple-dog dared you to propose and here we are. I bet you won’t say ‘I do.’ dares (°╭°)
- I would marry you in a boat and with a goat. I would marry you in the rain and in the dark and on a train. And in a car and in a tree, you are so good — so good to me. So I will love you in a box and I will love you (you’re a fox) and I will love you in our house even if it has a mouse, and I will love you here or there. I promise to love you anywhere (with apologies to Seuss). 💚🦊🏡
- I promise I will never stop bringing up the argument that the two of us had a few years ago in order to make sure that you do not forget about it. 😠🗓️
- I promise to wash and fold your jeans every week. 👖🧺
- I swear to tell everyone how wonderful your mother is, even while I confess to you privately that she’s a complete nutjob. Totally out of control. 😇🤫🤪
- I promise that I will try to like your pet. He’s always giving me the stink eye… 🐶😒
- I promise that I will always explain to you in a calm manner that you are not allowing a sufficient amount of stopping distance between our automobile and the one in front of it. 🚗🛑🧘♀️
- I vow not to keep score… I always win anyway. 🏆💅
- I promise to listen when you’re talking to me about sports, beer, or whatever you talk about, and not just look at my phone saying, ‘Hmm, yes, dear.’ 😴📱
- Just one thing to tell you — I am totally worth it. ✨👑
- I love you through time and relative dimensions in space. 🌌💖
- I promise to take care of you and give you a weekly allowance since you want to be an unemployed housewife. 💸🏠
- I vow to let them have ice cream for dinner when they’re older because I genuinely want my future children to like me more. 🍦😇
- I promise to leave the room if you and my mother have a disagreement over any issue. 🚪🏃♀️
- Every time our union outlives one of our friends’, I now promise to give you a high five. 🙌😂
- I vow not to complain about spending the weekend with your folks. 🏘️😬
- I love your stupid face and promise to tolerate whatever you can hurl at me if you believe you can tolerate my mess. 🤪🗑️
- I vow to get through this part of the ceremony as quickly as possible, so I can dig into that prime rib. 🥩💨
- I swear to take your hand when it’s too dark, and I’ll let the dog out when it’s too early. 🤝🐕
- I, take you, to be my awful wedded wife, to have and to scold, from this day fast-forward for better but not worse, for richer, sans poorer, forget sickness only in health, to loathe and to cherish, till suspicious death do we part. 😈💍
- I love your stupid face and vow that I will put up with whatever you can throw at me — if you think you can put up with my mess. 🤪🏡
- I knew I loved you when I realized I’d rather spend a Friday night watching true crime documentaries with you than going out. 🕵️♀️📺❤️
- I vow to support you in sickness and health, and through every ill-advised home improvement project. 🛠️🏥
- I promise to keep your snacks stocked, even the weird ones I don’t understand. 🥨❓
- I vow to be your rock, your cheerleader, and your partner in crime… even when your crimes involve hiding Amazon packages from me. 📦🕵️♀️
- I promise to be your biggest cheerleader, even when your ideas are as questionable as your dance moves. 📣💃
- I promise to stay quiet and keep the curtains closed when you have a hangover. 🤫 blackout ( °╭°)
- I promise to appreciate your beauty through the wrinkles and gray hair and saggy bosom. I promise not to laugh at you while you look for the glasses that are sitting on your head. I will even change your diapers, after you help change mine. 👵👴💖
- I promise to love you every day for the rest of my life. I promise to cherish you, respect you, and honor you. I think I don’t have to obey you so I’ll just leave that promise for the dog. 🐶👑
- I take you today as my lawful wife, and I promise to love you dearly and fiercely, despite your obsession with BTS and K-Pop music even if you don’t understand a single word in Korean. I promise to watch and like all your TikTok videos but I will not promise to participate in them. I promise to apologize if I do something terrible to you in your dream that I am not even accountable for, just so that you won’t get mad at me. 💜🎶😴
- I promise to love you even when you refuse to let me watch the football, to cherish you even when you blow one week’s salary on yet another handbag, and to understand you even when you are mad at me because of something that happened in a dream. 🏈👜😠
- I mean why wouldn’t I be your wife? Let’s get this wedding over with, [insert favorite show] is coming on tonight. 💍📺
- I’m so happy I accepted your rose. 🌹💖
- I vow as your wife to always support your dreams, even the one about the whale in the living room. 🐳💭
- I pledge to be faithful even when we’re old and dull. 👵👴❤️
- I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you. So I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool? 🤷♀️💖
- I hope you’re free for the rest of your life, so why not pencil me in forever? 🗓️❤️
- I vow to laugh, for real, at your every joke no matter how stupid or poorly told. I love you that much. 😂 (°╭°)
- I promise to be quiet in the mornings until you’ve had your coffee, because I value my life. ☕🤫
- I promise not to scream at you when the GPS re-routes us, even if you definitely missed the turn I pointed out. 🗺️😡
- I promise to drag you to parties so you don’t become a hermit, but I also promise to leave by 9:00 PM so you can put on sweatpants. 🥳😴
- I promise to listen to you talk about [Niche Hobby/Work Drama], or at least nod convincingly while I think about what I’m going to eat later. 👂🤔🍔
- I vow to learn to play Magic the Gathering and tabletop games. 🧙♂️🎲
- I vow not to laugh too hard if the dog throws up on your butt in the middle of the night. 🐕🤢🍑
- I will also lower down a basket of snacks everyday so you have the strength to make the climb back up to me. 🧺🥨🧗♀️
- I promise to create a life for us of unexpected and strange adventures. 🏞️✨
- I pledge to listen to your advice, and occasionally take it. I pledge to never take score… even if I’m totally winning. 👂🏆
- I pledge to always admire your huge, strong, kind and determined heart. 💪💖
- I vow to listen, for as long as it takes for you to feel heard. I vow to watch in awe as you kick ass and take names. I vow to be your unrelenting cheer squad on the days it feels too much. 🗣️💪📣
- I believe that ‘me time’ is an actual concept, that can be proven by science. I believe that carefully folded socks make you happy. I believe there is no time or place I’m more content than when you’re close. 🧘♀️🧦💖
Funny Vows for Sickness & ‘Man-Colds’
Humorous Promises for Health (and Hangovers)
- I vow to have a glass of wine with you as we cry over the challenges of parenthood. 🍷😭
- I promise to comfort you when your football team loses… again. 🏈 consolation ( °╭°)
- I promise never to take my hanger out on you. 😡🍔
- I promise to turn on the air conditioning when you’re hot—even if I’m totally freezing. ❄️🥶
- I promise to take you in sickness and in health, regardless of the dangerous stuff I put you through! 🏥🎢
- I promise to nurse you when you are sick, even when it is just a ‘man cold’ and you act like you are dying. 🤧 드라마 ( °╭°)
- I promise to hold your hair back when you’ve had your head in the toilet, just like the old days. 🤢🫂
- I promise to stop you from Googling your symptoms and convincing yourself you have a rare tropical disease. 🩺🌴
- I promise to grab you first when the zombie apocalypse starts… unless you’ve already been bitten. Then I’m taking the cat. 🧟♀️🏃♀️🐈
- I promise to love, cherish, and care for you in sickness and in health. Unless it is 3am and the reason for your illness is alcohol-induced, and the care involves sitting with you beside the toilet bowl with a wet cloth. 🚽🍷🤒
- I promise to not turn the light on, open the curtains or deliberately clatter about when you have a hangover. 💡🙅♀️💥
Fun Emojis for Your Vows
Personalize your funny vows by filling in the blanks with your unique quirks and inside jokes!
I promise to love you even when you [insert annoying habit], because [reason why it’s secretly endearing].
I vow to always [funny promise, e.g., pretend I didn’t see you eat that third slice of cake], as long as you [reciprocal funny promise, e.g., don’t judge my questionable fashion choices].
From this day forward, I promise to [humorous daily commitment, e.g., tolerate your terrible puns] and to [another humorous commitment, e.g., never steal the last cookie].
I promise to be your [silly title, e.g., designated spider-killer] and your [another silly title, e.g., official remote control retriever], for all our days.
I vow to love you as much as I love [something you adore, e.g., coffee and a quiet morning], and probably a little more, even when you [something annoying they do, e.g., leave your socks on the floor].
Core Idea: The promise to always let your partner have the last slice of pizza.
- Witty & Charming
- I vow to always concede the final slice of pizza, a small but significant sacrifice for eternal marital bliss.
- Slightly Sarcastic
- I promise to ‘generously’ leave you the last slice of pizza, knowing full well you’ll offer me half anyway.
- Absurd & Playful
- I pledge allegiance to the last slice of pizza, and its rightful owner, you. (Unless it’s pepperoni. Then it’s mine.)
- Sweetly Humorous
- My love for you is so deep, I promise to always let you have the last slice of pizza… even when I’m starving.
I promise to love you, honor you, and clear your browser history should anything tragic ever happen to you.
